Creating Self-Directed Behavior in Your Toddler

Developmentally, your toddler is beginning to emerge as an independent little person, also very much in need of reliable connection to you. Finding ways to balance those two factors while remaining responsive and supportive of the developmental changes are the challenges of this period in parenting. Parents who continue to control and orchestrate every event for the toddler are removing an important learning opportunity.

Of course, we adults realize that we are making pretty much all the significant decisions in the toddler's life. However, the many small, daily choices that are present are wonderful windows of learning, if you are aware of them and take advantage of them. The ability to discern preferences, beginning with tiny distinctions, like the degree of darkness in the child's room for sleeping, can set the tone for including the child in decision-making. This grows into more and more participation and input as the child becomes older. Asking for feedback, listening to it, and incorporating it into the daily rhythms are important patterns for the toddler to experience.

Self-directed behavior requires checking in with self first. Toddlerhood is an optimum age at which to model and teach this skill. It has lifelong value, and can be built open at every stage of development. Self-directed behavior precedes other more sophisticated self-modulating techniques that are key to socialization. These skills are valuable for life.

Support for identifying where you are most skilled, as well as areas where you may need help is available to you in individual sessions or convenient packages now available at http://www.babyshaman.com

Don't hesitate to explore the potential of your best possible parenting!

Ingrid Johnson

The Baby Parenting Coach

303.776.8100

What is Responsive Parenting?

My young 2-year old friend, Avery, is consumed for long periods of time (more than 30 minutes) with arranging her tiny animal figures, then 'feeding' them, then putting them in some prone position (often covered by 'blankets') and putting them to sleep, waking them up, asking them if they're hungry...I watch with delight and amazement every time. She is, at age 2, exhibiting fairly sophisticated nurturing and care taking skills. I lament to myself that I know parents who are not as 'equipped' to nurture their children as this very young child already is.

Where does this sensibility, 'instinct', or predisposition to be so caring, so interested in the well-being of another emanate from? How does one very young child already have a level of skill and inclusiveness, so that even when we go about another activity, she still checks back to see how her 'animal' friends are doing?

She has already learned 'responsive parenting', and is very good at it. It has, obviously, been modeled for her since the very beginning of her two years, and it is natural, fun, instinctive, and very beautiful to watch. Observing her 'notice' and accommodate the subtle nuances of a pretend friend wanting a little more water, or to go for a ride, truly gives me hope for our future.

Responsive parenting means viewing your role as parent as a constantly evolving, highly attuned endeavor. Knowing your baby's smallest likes and dislikes, taking a moment to plan an experience so that it is comfortable and secure, and of course, the biggest challenge, learning to put your own 'instant gratification' on hold - these are all steps toward responsive (as well as responsible) parenting.

Enhancing Baby's Brain Development

These are basic steps for making sure your baby's brain has the opportunity to develop in an optimal way. We know today that the influences begin before birth, and that even subtle things that may not seem important to you affect your baby's brain. The neural pathways are formed for lifelong stress response at this time, so please take the time to understand the responsibility you have.

* Good nutrition in pregnancy is key. Eat the very best diet you can, and of course, refrain from any toxic substances (tobacco, alcohol, etc.)

* Insure your baby's safety and well-being. A dangerous environment or a lack of response to baby's stress create a series of effects that can actually slow brain development. Responding lovingly and consistently to your baby's cries and giving her attention to insure that she does not experience this type of stress.

* Talk to your baby throughout the day, describing what you're seeing, what you're doing. The interaction actually builds brain connections, readies her for language skills, and creates a healthy emotional bond.

* Start reading aloud to your baby as early as possible. In addition to helping brian development of language connections, you spend time together and instill a lifelong love of books.

* Choose high quality childcare. There is a huge range of quality within childcare options, and selecting an environment that is sensitive, loving, and appropriately stimulating will greatly enhance your baby's brain development.

* Get the information and resources you need. Learn about your baby's development, ask questions at check-up time, and find the resources you need. The 0-3 year old time is a unique opportunity to shape your child's entire life by carefully choosing what environment you provide.

Parental Core Beliefs Shape Your Baby

Beliefs and even suggestions that you entertain constantly impact your baby. It's an ominous responsibility to understand, and it also explains how babies assimilate their view of the world. Is the world hostile or loving? Is the stranger a potential friend or potential threat? Does the new day bring frustration or joy? These any many more subtle variations are programming the subconscious of your baby and young child.

I cannot stress enough the importance of the mother's and father's emotional life, and how they impact the baby's health and well-being. This by no means implies that parents should 'put on a happy face' for their babies. The artificiality does not fool your baby for a moment. The motivation to do something about your own frustrations and challenges, and the compassion and wisdom to integrate your own growth into your parenting is the valuable approach.

Your fears, worries, and anxieties are communicated to your baby without so much as a word being spoken. It's the ultimate inspiration to take action to calm yourself, explore your support options, and consistently apply the principles of growing yourself. In this way, what you project onto your baby will move in the direction of more and more healthy parenting.

Please comment on my blog. I'd appreciate it!

Ingrid Johnson

Pre- & Early Parenting Educator-at-Large

http://www.babyshaman.com/

303.776.8100

Exploding the Myth of the Terrible Twos - There's NO Such Thing

Nothing currently known about babies' and toddlers' development substantiates the currently widespread misconception of "terrible twos". I know that flies in the face of most all parenting "education" in this country. You may want to stop reading right here if you are committed to subscribing to this mis-guided theory. That something suddenly "happens" at this age that precipitates tantrums and unacceptable behavior is just plain false.

Unless you're ready to look at yourself and your parenting objectively, you probably won't like what you're about to read. It is, in fact, your responses to and conditioning of your baby and toddler that lead her to exhibit certain behaviors at age 2. Developmentally for the child, there is individuation and the move toward some independence at this age. Of course, the need for connection and reassurance are also present, as strong as ever. Parents who expect a 2 year old to behave the same as she was behaving at 18 months, or the same as some other child (including sibs), are in for a rude awakening. However, labelling it "terrible twos" and buying into all the generalized misinformation that comes with those terms are sad substitutes for good parenting.

Creating an effective and evolving way to parent the 2 year old would be infinitely more beneficial to the child and parent. This need does not start at age 2, but it can be significantly improved upon at this age. Instead of attaching a worn-out and disempowering label, parents could look for new ways to connect with the emerging independence in their toddler. Creating simple, highly reassuring ways for the sometimes fiercely independent toddler to return to nurturing and supported babyhood would allow the 2 year old to go back and forth between dependence and independence. This, in fact, is what needs to happen in order for individuation to occur.

It's amazing how many different ways this simple method can be employed in parenting. If you focus your energy on giving your child exactly what she needs in the present moment (by which I mean attention, not physical objects), you often expedite developmental stages. If you do not attach a dysfuntional label to the reaction you get from your child when you are not offering appropriate attention and care, you may end up getting a lot less challenging behaviors. It was infinitely more pleasant for all involved parenting my 3 now adult kids, who grew up as individuals with different temperaments, styles, and needs.

Experience Yourself As a Great Parent

What's possible for you as a parent?

Have you thought about the options?

Will you access your authentic 'voice' as you evolve and explore?

Do you feel as if you could do better?

Do you feel overwhelmed with all the choices, or with differences with your partner?

How would it feel to experience yourself as a great parent?

What's possible?

I'm offering sample coaching sessions to help you tap into the compelling, irresistible vision you have (even if it's buried!) of yourself as a great parent. Together we will discover some of the qualities that are important to you. I'll help you compile a "mini toolbox" of strategies for accessing these qualities when you feel challenged, overwhelmed, and not in touch with yourself as a great parent.

Free, VERY limited time offer of intro 45 minute sessions now scheduling. Call 303.776.8100 or email babyparentingcoach@gmail.com today

See yourself as a great parent, learn to develop the skills that will take you there.

Ingrid Johnson

The Baby Parenting Coach

303.776.8100

http://www.babyshaman.com/

babyparentingcoach.blogspot.com

Your 'Parenting Style'?

Where did it come from?


How does it evolve?


Why does it matter?





Today the gamut of choices in how to parent your baby range from 'attachment' parenting to turning over your infant to full time childcare at age 6 weeks. Every imaginable variation in between is evident, with stay-at-home dads, nanny-sharing, parents who work from home, grandparents who raise babies, and many other adaptations.



Finding your 'parenting style' can be daunting. Because being a parent is a uniquely multi-layered undertaking, your choices for parenting will affect you, your child, your family, and the rest of us in ways that are difficult to fully comprehend at the start. Some time in the distant future, if you have the opportunity and inclination, you may look back and reflect on the underlying patterns and behaviors you helped create. Most of us are so involved in dealing with the immediate aspects of becoming a parent ("Am I really completely responsible for this tiny, dependent being? I'm scared, overwhelmed, clueless. Why don't I instinctively know what to do? Who left ME in charge?) we seldom fully explore our fears and insecurities that get triggered.



In an ideal world, when contemplating becoming parents, you would set aside plenty of time to spend with friends and family who are parents, experience and explore the different approaches, try on what feels authentic to you, and mindfully, and in complete agreement with your partner, choose what would work best for you. Then when your baby entered the world, you would smoothly and seamlessly implement that plan. Needless to say, that is far from what happens for most of us.



Reality looks more like taking wishes and dreams you have about how you'd like to parent, compressing them into your real lifestyle (you and your partner may or may not agree on key parenting issues, you may have taken a parenting class and resonated with the approach or not, your reading may have offered some interesting options). Some combination of resources and choices land you in the orientation where you start your parenting experience. Throw in the unpredictability of the individual baby's temperament (which may be entirely different than siblings!), and you are in a fairly 'wing it' mode.



You can see how being flexible can greatly increase your odds for success. How comfortable are you with trying something that was not in your original plan? Where do you go for resources to find a different approach, if your current one is not working so well? How do you keep track of what you may want to implement when you are overwhelmed, tired, and stressed?



It's easy to see that an effective 'parenting style' requires both a high degree of flexibility and a keen self-awareness. It's a work in progress, and if your parenting style is not continuously evolving, it probably is not working very well. There are no concrete plans or programs for effectively raising a child. Many valuable resources exist for reference, but your challenge is to manifest your own unique 'parenting style' that is authentic and effective for you, your baby, and your family.



The more clarity you have about your own values and beliefs, your partner's values and beliefs, how they mesh and how they don't, and what your various support mechanisms are, the better you start. With that, ongoing support and flexibility are key.



My intro CD "OMG! I'm A Parent!!" discusses these concepts and others. It's available at my website http://www.babyshaman.com/

Ongoing individualized support is available by email and phone. Contact me to hear about the 'spring start' special for March.

Ingrid Johnson

303.776.8100

http://www.babyshaman.com/